I never seize to be disgusted by people's cynicism and lack of caring; and, you know, it's contagious - when you see other people not caring about you, you also start to care less (as in 'I could care less')

I went over to my new job to orientate myself so I won't waste time tomorrow morning. It was raining, not heavily, but annoyingly and it was cold. I survived without my sun glasses and with my reading glasses throughout the day. But the real test will be to finally be able to actually carry on real conversations with people wearing my glasses and looking at them and SEEING them and CONNECTING with them and allowing them to look into me and seeing the reflection of what they see in THEIR eyes and their reaction. I was able to ask for a movie ticket at the theatre, though and did manage to say 'hi' to my uber-hot neighbor wearing my glasses, so I guess that would be a victory. I swear that guy has to be a model or something - he turns me on.. I have fantasies of him fucking me hard. He has this deep voice and manly manner that drives me wild. I wish I had money so I wouldn't have to worry about what impression I made on people and have a 'fuck you' attitude. But I'm poor. I saw 'Coraline' 3D by the way. It was kind of nice, but I don't like cartoons - I like to see people's faces, their grimaces, their expressions - I want to experience LIFE!

I am trying to cope with the fct that once again my life and my future and my career depend on the laziness of a few imbeciles who can't do their job right. I vowed to myself never to let this happen to me again and if it does I don't know what I'll do. I will just have to wait and see what happens this week. I went to the movies and saw the 'Reader' - it was wonderful. Now I'm back home and doing the work that's been piling up over the last few weeks. Cahnges are always so stressful.. As far as my social anxiety goes, I now have to master the ability to carry on, initially brief, conversations with other people while having my glasses on. I will have to visualize that in my brain and then find the strength to do it. Being shy makes a person feel so inferior, so unworthy and impoverishes one's life so much. People who don't have it must not know what I'm talking about...You don't know how lucky you are! I'm sure you have your own set of problems (or not), but this is very restricting. But I've made great changes in myself, I've worked on myself because at some point I realized the change was not going to come from an outside source - I would have to make it happen by working on myself. These past few years have taught me that, if nothing else; how responsible we are for our own destiny and how little we should rely on others for our happiness.

Dear Diary,

today I made great progress in my quest to overcome shyness and social isolation. A girl walked into the room where I was working and initially I performed my reflex reaction of taking off my glasses so as to create a block between myself and the outside world; but then, when she came in again, I left my glasses on and somewhat faced her. And then a fat Asian guy walked in and I didn't bother taking my glasses off at all, although some sexual tension I believe developed. What it because of the way I was loking at him? I don't know. And then I went to Au Bom Pain on my way home to buy some milk and I didn't bother taking my glasses off for the cashier, either; and it went well, admittedly. I'm making progress. No more torturous isolation anymore. I can see the day when I won't think anything of carrying a normal conversation with other people. I hope so. But then I'll have to face the men and my desires - I won't be able to hide anymore. But even so, let's face it: have I been able to hide my desires anyway so far? Very poorly.

I have to stop looking at women's breasts when talking to them. Why do I do that? I'm a fucking homo!!! I'm not attracted to girls in the least, never have been!

'I look at girls in the face, not their breasts'

Where is my life going, I'm 34, single - what am I doing?

My dear friends,

I am starting this blog out of a burning need, a yearning to reach out to someone, out of a sense of quiet desperation (as Henry David Thoreau would have put it). My desperation stems from the fact that I have no friends and no lovers. I think I never have (friends, because I know for a fact that I have not had lovers). I might be what is called schizoid in psychiatry. Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness.^[1] SPD is rare compared with other personality disorders. Its prevalence is estimated at less than 1% of the general population. (source: Wikipedia). Indeed, I am not really interested in social relationships and shy away from them when possible. I am currently working on ameliorating that (to ameliorate: to make better or more tolerable - source: Merriam-Webster Online). I am doing that through hypnosis, which I've been convinced can better most of the unwanted aspects of our personality - heck, if it can be used for anesthesia, it can certainly help with shyness. Click on the image of the shy guy below to see how hypnosis can help with shyness and social isolation.


Interspersed in this text you will see statements such as this:

I am becoming more and more social every day
I am enjoying being around people day by day
I feel more and more comfortable around people every day
I carry on conversations with people and am completely relaxed and enjoy the process

These are affirmations - sentences you craft which describe the state you want to achieve. You will notice that they are in the present tense. Our subconscious, which these special phrases target, does not understand about the difference between now and later. It can manifest any state you desire instantly. If you place your desired outcome in the future, your powerful subconscious only...postpones your desired outcome for...a future time.

Affirmations are one type of self-hypnosis. The secret with crafting these sentences is:

a) make them positive

The subconscious does not deal with negatives. It understands only positives. So if you say for example: 'I don't want to be shy', guess what your subconscious understands or 'hears' : Shy!
b) Make them in the present tense

As I mentioned earlier; or if they seem too ambitious, say: 'I am becoming XYZ', in the sense that you are on the path but not yet there

c) Repeat them often

That's the only way they can work; if you don't repeat them, their effect will fade. Repeat them in any way that is convenient to you e.g. by writing them down, pasting them on your bathroom mirror and reading them every morning while you shave. Or record them and play them back to yourself while you are jogging or taking a shit.


You might want to click on the image below to learn more about Hyposis and Mind Control



You'll notice that I have started to educate you. That will be my 'thank you' for patiently agreeing to take part in my life and share it with me. My joy will be to log on every day and see that my hits are increasing. I don't want to leave this life without having shared it with someone, even if that someone is a stranger like you...and you...and you.

So my hope is that I can start to share myself with you, all of myself, the good the bad and the ugly as they say. Things that I've not had the guts to tell people I've known all my life.

For example today I celebrated President's Day holiday by going to my favorite cafe with my paperwork and working from there, one of my favorite tables while watching the people go by outside. I love to watch people. I also browsed the books but did not see anything in particular. I did find one good book yesterday at another favorite bookstore of mine called 'Moonlighting on the Internet'



It's about making money on the internet by essentially selling information. This is kind of what I'm doing, even know, by pitching you this book, although as I said, the reason for this blog is to share myself with you, to share what I've picked up over the years while trying to find balance in my life and better myself, make myself something I could better love and accept. Why don't I love myself that much, you'll ask? Well, that remains to be revealed later on. Good bye for now my friends. Please love me.