my life is falling into place

I am finding my way

My career is falling into place

I am finding the perfect job

my life is falling into place

I will succeed

I am overcoming

I will come out of this a victor

I am overcoming this

I am a successful young man

I am overcoming

I am my avatar

I am comfortable being in people

I can look people in the eye

I can look at people and be completely relaxed as if I've smoked pot

I belong

I look people in the eye and am comfortable with that

I am a normal young man

I am a normal young man

I appear to be a perfectly normal young man

I look people in the eye relaxed, as if I were stoned

I am accepted and appreciated

i am happy

i am able to look people in the eye and say 'i am what i am' and be myself

I enjoy being around people

I am a normal young man

I am overcoming this and emerging a victor

i am a normal young man

I am a normal young man

I am a normal young man

I am a loose and carefree young man and perfectly able to assimilate into society

I am opening up to the world like a young man

I will stay calm throughout this and emerge a victor

I am as loose and care-free around people as Chad White

I am a man and I am look at people fearlessly

i am becoming able to look people in the eyes

went from dudley square to park street down washington street, reminisced, thought about years gone by and memories formed and life passed but mostly lost in virtual reality of ryan. saw wonderful dudley station, browsed teen mags in walgreens, drooled over teen heartthrobs, imagined how it would feel to have had normal adolescence if I wasn;t a fucking homo. saw wonderful beautiful houses and buildings as if for first time, need to be more astute and attentive. need to look up more. on way back from work sat next to this hot mo-ther FUCKER on red line. loud guy, tall, shorts, thick calves, 20's hot loud american. wanted him to fuck me right there. touched me lightly, felt like electricity going through body. bet has huge dick, bet fucks around a lot. bet has massive pecs, thick manhood. bet groans when fucking.

nice autumn day, life better looking when seen through lens of unreality, fiction, parallel realities

Went to north end today to find paul revere house - stumbled upon st Anthony festival, were a statue of St. Anthony was covered with dollar bills, paraded and placed in a makeshift shrine for people to worship - many italians.

had a rare sense of unreality, of well-being, of optimism that I can fit in, that I could change, that my life could start to make sense. Is it possible?

I missed youth. I missed life. They passed me by.

I am becoming capable of looking people in the eye

I am becoming able to be comfortable with people

I am comfortable around people

She will yield before me

I am overcoming my social anxiety

I am so alone

Why?

I have no one to talk to

Why don't you find someone?

I cannot connect to other people

why?

I cannot relax enough to connect to them, i hate them

you honestly hate everyone?

perhaps it's not hate

what could it be

i just feel so invaded by other peoples presence

what is causing this feeling

i feel so stressed when talking to other people

why

i cannot be myself

what is yourself

myself is a scared horny boy

fuck everyone I hate everyone i failed i failed in life i failed to find answers i failed to integrate i fucking failed

Whenever I'm taking my breakfast at ABP at the Square, my babies, I feel like the heavens are smiling down on me, I feel that life can not get much sweeter than that. Especially since I can do one of the things I love to do best, which is to people-watch and especially since it was at that specific ABP that my sweet baby and I sat a few years ago and I took some solace in his presence, some solace in the midst of the storm that I was living at the time.

Hello my babies,

I went on a BBQ yesterday because my sweet baby invited me, but I realize, whenever he's with his girlfriend, he always feels he needs to play it straight - plus, I'll always be an etranger for these people. But I'd like ti keep trying - it's not like I'm the perfect person. I have my imperfections, too.

Went to the museum with my little baby - showed me around. Wonderful day, sunny, windy, spring day. rediscovering caffeine advantage.

My babies,

I feel so fortunate I have at least this outlet to communicate with someone. On Sundays, I can never help feeling a special sense of isolation and loneliness, especially on a special day like today when I walked around H square and saw all those wonderful young couples holding hands and saw all those wonderful handsome young men, with their blond hair and their young bodies and their smiing faces and their young girlfriends, smiling, being happy, enjoying life, full of light and full of life and I, on the other hand, all alone, as I've always been, as I'm afraid I'll always be, kind of like looking at life from the outside, as if a spectator and not a participant.

I saw two young men in the prime of their youth performing outside the ABP at H square, so wonderful, so lovely, so young...

I had a dream last night about Hasan. It was the most wonderful dream. I saw that we were hugging very closely, clinging to each other, like that last day before I left. It seemed like we were hugging forever. There was nothing sexual, nothing impure about this. Just pure love. The memory of that dream carried me throughout the day. Why was the memory of this boy so deeply imprinted in me? Granted, we did meet and love each other during the most difficult time of my life; and yes, pain binds people closer together than pleasure. But so much time has passed and I still think of him.

I'm very unhappy. I work for an abusive employer. I'm trying to get out of this job. I'm so unhappy. Things like this make life seem even more random than it already seems. I'm alone in this world- ALONE!

What am I doing? What am I going to do? Where is my life going? I'm unhappy!!! UNHAPPY

Another bitter Sunday. I think I made some progress on the social phobia front: I managed to buy a magazine at the bookstore without taking off my glasses. But, my friends, I am going through life without being able to make meaningful connections with anyone. I am constantly reminded of that poem by Constantine Cavafy, 'The Walls' that, loosely translated says 'without my knowledge, they shut me outside the world'. Can you imagine dear readers, what it feels like to live in the world and at the same time feel that you've been shut out of it? You can only understand if you've been there. There was one shining moment when I truely stepped out of myself and conected to someone and that was a moment of intense light, a flood of light, an ocean of light.

Why is it that loneliness bites harder on the weekend? I was at work most of the day, among people and then went to the movies, spent 3 hours in a theater full of people and yet as I return home it hits me that I am a 35 year old gay virgin who is alone and cannot figure out where his life is heading (if anywhere). Oh well..

Is there anybody out there listening to me? I'm so alone. Starting a new job, new people, not particularly friendly, with a boss from hell, alone, unloved, ALONE! All alone.

On sad Sundays like this, when I'm reminded of the randomness and arbitrariness of life and fate, I get the mental image of Sunday afternoons at my grandmas house, where we would often go for Sunday lunch - it would often be thick spaghetti as she liked it, with meat (I don't recall what kind it was, perhaps lamb). My dad, looking back on those times, probably found the whole thing an ordeal, seeing as how he's always wanted to be alone and to be left alone. He would always sit at the side of the table, just watching everyone, rarely participating and when he did participate, I think he always appeared condescending. I think he's always been a closet case, all his life uncomfortable in his own skin, having gotten married and having had children just to conform to the norms of society, to do the 'right' thing (as if there is such a thing..).

Anyway, the light of those Sunday afternoons, the warmth, the warmth of people who had the joy of life (my grandparents), the joy of those two people who always seemed to truly love each other and get along with each other and always reached out to other people, had friends, enjoyed life. Now they're both gone, but I think while they wee here, they enjoyed being here and made the most of it.

It's amazing how, at times of sadness, we go back to happier memories and times to find consolation, especially when life is devoid of people, friends, who could help share the burden.

While watching 'Scent of a Woman' with Al Pacino, I am reminded of my friend, who retained that phrase that Pacino says at the end of the movie 'in loco parentis' when he saw it. It reminded him of the relationship, that wonderful Gay-oid, loving relationship he had with me and with his other student. You see, he didn't have children of his own, he never married (although he contemplated it once) and he saw us two as his 'adopted' children, and his role 'in loco parentis'.

I am always touched by watching father-figure/son relationships in movies. Interestingly, I am not as moved by father/son relationships - maybe because my relationship with my father has always been so crappy. We've never been close and I don't expect us ever to be. It's as if he's always had this double life inside his mind. And of course, as said, I've always believed that this double life has always revolved aroung the fact that he's probably a closet homo. He's always been grieving about...what? I'll never know for sure - but I suspect he's always been grieving about the fact that he was never fucked and never loved. I've seen how he's always responded to male figures: with submissiveness. Which means, what? That he'd like to be fucked up the ass!

I've just been watching that wonderful 1996 movie 'Great Expectations' which had a great father-figure/son relationship, that of Fin (Ethan Hawke) with De'Niro. I often cry when I watch the murder scene at the end, because it shows how the life of even the most hardened criminal can ultimately be an offering and how love often finds a way to prevail. In this scene there is evidence of a great love and a great emptying of one person's life to another person. Perhaps it's not coincidental that one man, the benefactor (De Niro) dies as the other person's life begins. I think this is a Christ-metaphor.

I am always deeply moved at that moment when De Niro lays dying and asks Fin to show him the old little sketch book and he says to him "Do you remeber this - it's very special". All his life, he's carried the kindness of little Fin's actions with him, as a kind of guiding, sustaining light in his life, as evidence that there is kindness in the world - and he feels compelled, at the end of his life, to give it back, to pay the love back - how moving...

Maybe there is something, in this world, some kindness, some true kindness.

My friend would often tell me that he had shown me love. He once recited the poet Cavafy to me and stressed the words 'the sentiments which were so little appreciated'. Was that for me? I did appreciate his kindness and attention, perhaps not enough, perhaps I wanted more, and more and more, perhaps because I've always been so starved for affection. Watching that movie now brought something else to my attention: I listened to the soundtrack of that ovie during one of the darkest periods in my life and watching hat movie again brought back to me how I've always thought that the basis of Cuaron's directing of it revolved around the concept of light and the use of light in an -according to my humble oppinon - stunning way. You will notice when you watch it that there is an amazing contrast of darkness and light, going from one to the other constantly in a stunning way and with a stunning effect - I remeber when the movie first came out, I'd read criticisms that the direction was MTV-esque. I couldn't disagree more!

Anyway, I think that listening to the soundtrack of that movie during the darkest peiod of my life was my way to try to find a ray of light or a flood of light at that time.

AND I HAVE TO SAY, I FOUND A FLOOD OF LIGHT - WAS IT REAL, WAS IT AN ILLUSION? WILL I EVER KNOW IN THIS LIFETIME?

My love, you left me then and then you came back to me. How can I make sense of it all? Who are you? what are you? Where are you? What do you expect from me? Am I on the right track? Am I becoming what you wanted me to become? Do you love me still?


That light I felt, the light that I saw, I will never forget that light.

How could she treat me like that? How could I have misread her so badly? What a wacko... I want to get the hell out of there ASAP! What a BITCH! How did I not pick that up? She might be a psychopath, for all I know.

Where is my life going? Sometimes I wish it would all end.

A beautiful Sunday afternoon, the kind that fills you with the joy of life, just walking down the street in this beautiful city, listening to music - so joyous, so beautiful, pienna di luce as it says in an aria...with It in my ears, in my mind, in my soul, speaking to me. Trying to make sense of everything, myself, the world, my role, my role in life.

Yesterday I really fucked up - I was called in my bosses office to discuss and, again, as usual, I lost control, I started wanting to look at her legs. I have social anxiety, I just can't relax when I need to talk to people, especially when they are physically close to me.

And that hunk next to me at the office - I think he's starting to realize that I find him attractive. I need to find a way to overcome my anxiety around people. Perhaps I should go to a professional. There are drugs effective for social anxiety (benzodiazepines etc.). I think I need to find the strength and resolution to go - I've already made positie changes in my life and need to make more to become normal, to lead a more normal and fulfilling and ultimately happy life. I think I deserve this. I think everyone does.

As I was walking to my new job today, showered by the bright sun and the blue sky, I kept hearing this music, this wonderful, brilliant music in my mind, that accompanied the fuck scene with Matt Lattanzi and Jacqueline Bisset from the 80's movie 'Rich and Famous'. But I could hear that music in my head so clearly and so wonderfully, that I had the urge to burst into tears, just like last summer at Freedom square in Heraklio. where I had to step aside from the book fair so people wouldn't see the tears rolling down my eyes because of the beauty and sadness I was feeling inside. What is it that I feel when I feel this way? What is the nature of this unspeakable beauty?

I never seize to be disgusted by people's cynicism and lack of caring; and, you know, it's contagious - when you see other people not caring about you, you also start to care less (as in 'I could care less')

I went over to my new job to orientate myself so I won't waste time tomorrow morning. It was raining, not heavily, but annoyingly and it was cold. I survived without my sun glasses and with my reading glasses throughout the day. But the real test will be to finally be able to actually carry on real conversations with people wearing my glasses and looking at them and SEEING them and CONNECTING with them and allowing them to look into me and seeing the reflection of what they see in THEIR eyes and their reaction. I was able to ask for a movie ticket at the theatre, though and did manage to say 'hi' to my uber-hot neighbor wearing my glasses, so I guess that would be a victory. I swear that guy has to be a model or something - he turns me on.. I have fantasies of him fucking me hard. He has this deep voice and manly manner that drives me wild. I wish I had money so I wouldn't have to worry about what impression I made on people and have a 'fuck you' attitude. But I'm poor. I saw 'Coraline' 3D by the way. It was kind of nice, but I don't like cartoons - I like to see people's faces, their grimaces, their expressions - I want to experience LIFE!

I am trying to cope with the fct that once again my life and my future and my career depend on the laziness of a few imbeciles who can't do their job right. I vowed to myself never to let this happen to me again and if it does I don't know what I'll do. I will just have to wait and see what happens this week. I went to the movies and saw the 'Reader' - it was wonderful. Now I'm back home and doing the work that's been piling up over the last few weeks. Cahnges are always so stressful.. As far as my social anxiety goes, I now have to master the ability to carry on, initially brief, conversations with other people while having my glasses on. I will have to visualize that in my brain and then find the strength to do it. Being shy makes a person feel so inferior, so unworthy and impoverishes one's life so much. People who don't have it must not know what I'm talking about...You don't know how lucky you are! I'm sure you have your own set of problems (or not), but this is very restricting. But I've made great changes in myself, I've worked on myself because at some point I realized the change was not going to come from an outside source - I would have to make it happen by working on myself. These past few years have taught me that, if nothing else; how responsible we are for our own destiny and how little we should rely on others for our happiness.

Dear Diary,

today I made great progress in my quest to overcome shyness and social isolation. A girl walked into the room where I was working and initially I performed my reflex reaction of taking off my glasses so as to create a block between myself and the outside world; but then, when she came in again, I left my glasses on and somewhat faced her. And then a fat Asian guy walked in and I didn't bother taking my glasses off at all, although some sexual tension I believe developed. What it because of the way I was loking at him? I don't know. And then I went to Au Bom Pain on my way home to buy some milk and I didn't bother taking my glasses off for the cashier, either; and it went well, admittedly. I'm making progress. No more torturous isolation anymore. I can see the day when I won't think anything of carrying a normal conversation with other people. I hope so. But then I'll have to face the men and my desires - I won't be able to hide anymore. But even so, let's face it: have I been able to hide my desires anyway so far? Very poorly.

I have to stop looking at women's breasts when talking to them. Why do I do that? I'm a fucking homo!!! I'm not attracted to girls in the least, never have been!

'I look at girls in the face, not their breasts'

Where is my life going, I'm 34, single - what am I doing?

My dear friends,

I am starting this blog out of a burning need, a yearning to reach out to someone, out of a sense of quiet desperation (as Henry David Thoreau would have put it). My desperation stems from the fact that I have no friends and no lovers. I think I never have (friends, because I know for a fact that I have not had lovers). I might be what is called schizoid in psychiatry. Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, and emotional coldness.^[1] SPD is rare compared with other personality disorders. Its prevalence is estimated at less than 1% of the general population. (source: Wikipedia). Indeed, I am not really interested in social relationships and shy away from them when possible. I am currently working on ameliorating that (to ameliorate: to make better or more tolerable - source: Merriam-Webster Online). I am doing that through hypnosis, which I've been convinced can better most of the unwanted aspects of our personality - heck, if it can be used for anesthesia, it can certainly help with shyness. Click on the image of the shy guy below to see how hypnosis can help with shyness and social isolation.


Interspersed in this text you will see statements such as this:

I am becoming more and more social every day
I am enjoying being around people day by day
I feel more and more comfortable around people every day
I carry on conversations with people and am completely relaxed and enjoy the process

These are affirmations - sentences you craft which describe the state you want to achieve. You will notice that they are in the present tense. Our subconscious, which these special phrases target, does not understand about the difference between now and later. It can manifest any state you desire instantly. If you place your desired outcome in the future, your powerful subconscious only...postpones your desired outcome for...a future time.

Affirmations are one type of self-hypnosis. The secret with crafting these sentences is:

a) make them positive

The subconscious does not deal with negatives. It understands only positives. So if you say for example: 'I don't want to be shy', guess what your subconscious understands or 'hears' : Shy!
b) Make them in the present tense

As I mentioned earlier; or if they seem too ambitious, say: 'I am becoming XYZ', in the sense that you are on the path but not yet there

c) Repeat them often

That's the only way they can work; if you don't repeat them, their effect will fade. Repeat them in any way that is convenient to you e.g. by writing them down, pasting them on your bathroom mirror and reading them every morning while you shave. Or record them and play them back to yourself while you are jogging or taking a shit.


You might want to click on the image below to learn more about Hyposis and Mind Control



You'll notice that I have started to educate you. That will be my 'thank you' for patiently agreeing to take part in my life and share it with me. My joy will be to log on every day and see that my hits are increasing. I don't want to leave this life without having shared it with someone, even if that someone is a stranger like you...and you...and you.

So my hope is that I can start to share myself with you, all of myself, the good the bad and the ugly as they say. Things that I've not had the guts to tell people I've known all my life.

For example today I celebrated President's Day holiday by going to my favorite cafe with my paperwork and working from there, one of my favorite tables while watching the people go by outside. I love to watch people. I also browsed the books but did not see anything in particular. I did find one good book yesterday at another favorite bookstore of mine called 'Moonlighting on the Internet'



It's about making money on the internet by essentially selling information. This is kind of what I'm doing, even know, by pitching you this book, although as I said, the reason for this blog is to share myself with you, to share what I've picked up over the years while trying to find balance in my life and better myself, make myself something I could better love and accept. Why don't I love myself that much, you'll ask? Well, that remains to be revealed later on. Good bye for now my friends. Please love me.